try again

sorry, guys. it's been a long time. i shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.

i don't have a singular theme for this post, but rather two mini topics i plan to expound upon. as such, i beg of you: sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy these tales of adventure and misfortune.

on my optometrist..

a few weeks ago i noticed my contacts were running low, so i made an appointment to see my optometrist. i've been going to the same eye doctor since the 8th grade, which some might take as a testament to his skill at correcting impaired vision. not so.

one time i asked my mom why we always drove to the city just to see dr. dong, assuming she'd researched many doctors in the area and settled on dr. dong because he came highly recommended or some such rubbish.

"honestly," she said, "we go there because of dottie and because it's close to my office."

dottie was the receptionist. she has since retired. also, we always go to the optometrist on the weekends, and my mom's office is about an hour away from our house.

as an added bonus, my parents call him "dr. ding-dong," which doesn't exactly scream "extremely competent" now does it?

but no matter. i can see, and i suppose that is all i should really ask of an optometrist.

lucky for me, i often get more than i bargained for on trips to the optometrist. on various occasions, dr. dong has taught me:

• sometimes basketball players turn their socks inside out to avoid blisters. (he may or may not have stolen this from 'finding forrester'.)
• improving your golf game and your vision can be as simple as wearing a q-link pendant. what is a q-link pendant, you ask? well, it is a highly scientific necklace that "makes everything you are, do and aspire to be, effortlessly better." (NOTE: i did not add the italics. it appears as such on the q-link website.)
• when it comes to marriage, contrary to popular belief, the 4th time is NOT the charm. (even ballroom dance classes could not save his last union.)

as a side note, i'm still not sure how my brother made off with better than 20/20 vision while the rest of us are like the three blind mice, but it's probably because he's the first-born son. chinese people love sons.

on tea parties in hayward...

my boy cousin is getting married this weekend, so my girl cousins threw their soon-to-be sister-in-law a bridal shower last saturday.

i hesitated about whether or not i should actually blog about this, because i'm not sure i can do it without sounding like a complete ass... but here goes nothing.

the lesson from this experience is one should generally try to avoid tea parties in hayward.

the website called this place "surprisingly elegant," but as it turns out, astro turf, plastic sun hats, and a faux stone fountain do not a tea garden make. compounded with stuffy air, sweltering heat, and mayo-based tuna/egg/cucumber salad sandwiches cut into little heart and clover shapes, and you're pretty much asking for the wrath of a jew girl's tongue. (and before you ask, jew as in my name, not jewish.)

when my mom and i got back to the car, i said, in earnest, "well, that was cute."

she looked at me with such disgust, you'd think she forgot she birthed me.

"okay, i guess it was kind of kitschy. "

"sara," she replied, "it was so hayward."

all i can say is this: low blow, mom. low blow.